


The Word "Lover"

by plantboycharms



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel), DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Ace character, Adorable Clear, Asexual, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, DRAMAtical Murder re:connect, M/M, Post-re:connect, Re:connect clear, ace - Freeform, ace!clear, ace!noiz, cleao - Freeform, nsfw mention, re:connect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7594246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantboycharms/pseuds/plantboycharms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clear had never felt the need to have sex. He didn't know that it was something he should worry about, until he met Aoba-san.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Word "Lover"

Clear had heard of sex before, of course. He knew that it was something all humans were supposed to want and crave and think about and seek out. This was normal and right for a person to do. Want and crave and think about and seek out sex.  
Clear had never wanted, craved, thought about, or sought after sex.  
He didn’t know why he should. There was no reason to. His body functioned perfectly fine having never been touched in a way that could be considered “erotic.” He bathed, of course, like his grandfather did, and washed his body thoroughly, but that was all. Sometimes grandfather took longer than usual in the shower and came out more flushed, and Clear knew what that meant, he wasn’t stupid, but he never felt the need to… recreate, what he knew grandfather to be doing.  
His body functioned just fine. All was well. Nothing needed to change.  
***  
When Clear met his master, he recognized him as his master immediately, from his voice. He would, of course, be loyal to his master in any way that was asked of him. If his master asked Clear to perform a sexual act, he decided, he would be just fine with performing it. But he didn’t need to, nor did he want to, particularly, other than to make his master happy.  
He was, however, interested in how the body worked. The penis is a truly interesting organ, how it swells in response to physical and mental stimulus. Clear had tried on his own to find such a stimulus, but had been unsuccessful. It seemed that his body was not as interested in studying arousal and vasodilation as his brain was. First-hand experience seemed like it would be more beneficial than searching the internet for clues as to how and why this was considered pleasurable. The act of anal sex was strange at best, the prostate was an odd gland, and the whole thing just seemed far-fetched. But Clear had no way of testing any of his theories out, so he went without and had decided that some things were just not meant to be found out.  
***  
Then they went to Platinum Jail and Clear realized that he wanted to know now, right now, before his functions shut down. He was a robot. He remembered. There was nothing he could do now but die, having damaged his body so much in the last, desperate act of saving his master. His dear, dear Aoba-san. The man he would do anything for. (He loved him, he realized. This was what love was. He had thought about it before, fighting those bad men, and again when Aoba-san had seen his face and lit up with joy. How could he say that he did not love Aoba-san now?)  
He wanted to know now, his last experiment, before he was gone. The last piece of the puzzle, the last part of being human, the last thing on his list before he could say that he understood what it was to be a human. So he asked, as a last favor, if Aoba-san would let him touch him. He was not sure what Aoba-san would say. What if he said no? He didn’t have time to think about it. He just needed to know.  
Aoba-san said yes and Clear got to spend his last minutes with the man he loved, finishing his studies on being human. He knew now. The body’s responses flooded the system with hormones, causing the dopamine receptors to send waves of pleasure through the brain and the body. The human body was amazing, and his body, while not human, was close enough to mimic it. He knew now how sexual stimulus and response worked! That was enough for him. And Aoba-san… Aoba-san had looked so happy, and so sad, to be with him. He knew why Aoba-san was sad. This was the end. But at least he had caused Aoba-san to feel pleasure, hopefully pleasure that Aoba-san would not forget. He didn’t want to be forgotten.  
***  
The months were long and Clear had… something akin to conscious moments, now and then. Mostly he was… asleep? Shut down? He didn’t know for sure. All he knew was that he was not quite conscious but full of thoughts. For a while he calculated things in his brain, rapidly, pointlessly. Then he began to ponder things. Like his friends, Koujaku-san and Noiz-san and Mink-san and Haga-san and Tae-san… he had lots of friends now. And Aoba-san, his master. Or, perhaps not master. Friend? No, not friend. Not quite the word either.  
Clear rolled the word “lover” around his head for a while. A long while. He didn’t know if that was the right word. He loved Aoba-san. He definitely did. But from his experience, and what he found on the internet, “lover” meant someone that you were interested in sexually. Clear wasn’t sure if he was interested in Aoba-san sexually. He didn’t think he was interested in anything sexually. His body did not need sexual contact. He did not crave it. It was enjoyable, certainly, but unnecessary. He had been in this sleep mode, this limbo, for a very long time without wanting any kind of sexual contact. All he wanted was to be with Aoba-san. Next to him, close by, touching or not, it didn’t matter. He imagined what it would feel like if he was next to him now. Aoba-san’s small frame and soft skin, laying next to Clear. If he had his way, Clear would rest Aoba-san’s head on his chest, his head tucked under Clear’s chin, fingers laced together on his chest. He liked the idea of holding hands. It seemed… gentle. And safe. Like an anchor, holding him to Aoba-san so he couldn’t float away. He really wanted to hold Aoba-san’s hand.  
***  
When he heard Aoba-san’s voice, clear as day, Clear woke up. He was somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar, but he didn’t mind. He had heard Aoba-san’s voice. He was going to go to him. Just like he always did. Master’s voice called.  
Standing outside of the veranda of Tae-san’s house, Clear was suddenly filled with fear. This was too much. He couldn’t just show up again. His body had been destroyed. How he was functioning now, he didn’t know. But he did know that Aoba-san was human… and humans had needs that he didn’t. Aoba-san had likely found someone else while he was away. Perhaps one of his friends, Koujaku-san or Noiz-san. Or maybe a girl, met through Koujaku-san’s business or even at Haga-san’s shop. He was afraid. He didn’t want to lose Aoba-san. After all this time, coming back to Aoba-san and being sent away again would be too heartbreaking. Too much. His body, while repaired, could only take so much.  
He sat down, within eyeshot of the veranda, and decided to wait. Aoba-san would look out eventually, right? Then he could decide if he wanted to call Clear’s name or not. He could wait.  
He couldn’t wait. He wanted to be with Aoba-san now. He had waited enough. His hands felt cold and empty without anything in them. His gloves felt too tight, or too loose, or out of place. He wanted Aoba-san’s hand in his.  
Without knowing why, really, Clear started to sing. His old song came to him easily. The first thing he noticed was that his hearing was compromised in one ear. He calculated that, in the right circumstances, he would be unable to detect or comprehend sounds coming from the right side of his head. However, this could be avoided. He would adjust. The song continued, without stopping. He waited. He didn’t want to wait. But he waited.  
When he heard the door to the veranda open, he turned to look at the astonished face peering at him. It was just as he remembered, and completely filled with shock. Clear knew that face. Clear loved that face. They fell together into a tangle of limbs and smiles, and he was complete again.  
He needed to go to his grandfather’s house, he decided, with Aoba-san. He couldn’t face it alone. He couldn’t face himself alone. And today was the day that he would see himself for the first time.  
***  
When he had been asleep, he had caught snippets of conversations between Tae-san and the other researchers. He knew that his face had been repaired. The color wasn’t a perfect match, but it was close. He would look almost as he had when Aoba-san had seen him for the first time. He would experience the same thing that Aoba-san had, would feel the same emotions, the same wonder. But he was scared.  
Aoba-san was not scared of Clear’s face. Aoba-san loved Clear’s face. Clear knew that. But looking in the mirror, straight at the face of the alphas that tried to take Aoba-san away from him, he was filled with revulsion. How could he share a face with those monsters? How could he be okay with himself, knowing that his face would remind Aoba-san of his brothers every time he looked at Clear? How could he?  
When Aoba-san wrapped his arms around Clear, he realized how he could learn to love his face. He loved Aoba-san. He loved everything Aoba-san loved. And Aoba-san loved him. It was easy.  
When he noticed that Aoba-san was treating him very gently, he understood. He was scared. The last time that Aoba-san had held him like this, his body was falling apart under Aoba-san’s very fingers. He wanted to find a way to appease him. How could he prove that he wouldn’t break again?  
Having sex again was the only reasonable option. How else could he prove that he wouldn’t break under strenuous activity like last time? He needed to ask about this. He knew the phrase “safe, sane, consensual” from the internet, and he had researched each of those words until he was well versed with what they meant. He needed to ask. This was easy.  
Aoba-san did NOT want him to ask. This was proving to be difficult. Now how would he get continuous and enthusiastic consent? He wouldn’t! There had to be a way around this lack of verbal communication.  
The mirror was the obvious choice. Watching Aoba-san’s face would be easy. This was the next best thing.  
When both Clear and Aoba-san had finished, Clear rolled the new information around in his head. He had gathered a lot more about sex from this time, and Aoba-san had seemed to enjoy it greatly. That was good. He wanted Aoba-san to be happy. He had succeeded. The two were being open and honest with each other. He had more ideas for how to make Aoba-san happy like this, and Aoba-san was willing to try them all out. He seemed enthusiastic, if not a bit embarrassed. Clear was glad.  
Holding hands with Aoba-san was just as good as he had imagined. Maybe even better. Their fingers were laced together, resting on Clear’s chest. He knew this was what he had been waiting for. He felt like his body was exhausted, his muscles fatigued, but it was a good tired. (He was a robot, he reminded himself. His muscles did not get tired. This was an illusion caused by the hormones released into his system, post-orgasm. He knew this in his logical brain. But, still, he was sleepy and tired and all he wanted to do was lie here with Aoba-san and soak in this feeling.) His hand felt warm and heavy and secure, interlaced with Aoba-san’s fingers. It was one of the best feelings he had experienced. He had never felt this close to another human before. (Person, he reminded himself. He was not human.)  
***  
Later, when Aoba-san was asleep, Clear went back to the internet. He had more questions. He wanted to know what he could call this feeling. He knew that there was a word for being attracted to men (“homosexual,” colloquially “gay”) but what did it mean that he was uninterested in sex, other than to make his partner (boyfriend?) happy?  
***  
Months passed.  
***  
They were sitting on the bed when Aoba-san looked up from fiddling with Ren’s system settings and started to ask something before turning red and looking down again. Clear wasn’t sure what this meant, but he was certain that he didn’t want there to be lapses in communication between the two of them. He stared at Aoba-san more intently than usual and asked “What’s wrong?”  
Aoba-san turned even redder and muttered “Nothing, never mind” while almost dropping the tiny screwdriver he had been flipping over in his fingers.  
Clear moved closer, taking Aoba-san’s slightly shaking fingers away from Ren’s tiny body. He pressed his lips to the back of his hand, before asking again “What’s wrong, Aoba-san?”  
“It’s just that…” Aoba-san said, blush creeping to his ears. “We haven’t been… um… together… In a while. Is something wrong?”  
Clear cocked his head to the side, staring at the side of Aoba-san’s head. He didn’t understand. They had spent almost all of their time together since he had come back, save for when Aoba-san had work or when Clear felt that Aoba-san should spend time with his friends, boyfriend excluded. Not comprehending, he asked, carefully, “What do you mean? We are almost always together.”  
Aoba-san turned even redder (his face must be burning, Clear thought) and he responded, even quieter, “No, I meant… intimately. Together.”  
It was like a light turned on in Clear’s mind. Suddenly his thoughts were going at a mile a minute. Was this a long time to abstain from sex? Should he have initiated some kind of sexual action earlier? He must be late. There must be some kind of schedule. How often did Aoba-san want to have sex? He didn’t know how to ask.  
Aoba-san cleared his throat and continued quickly with “I mean, if I’m not good in bed or anything that’s fine, it’s okay if you want to find someone else, I know I’m not experienced or anything, you’re the first man I’ve been with, so I…” he trailed off, looking nervously at Ren’s body in front of him. Clear realized that he had hurt Aoba-san’s feelings and was taken aback.  
“No, no, Aoba-san, it’s nothing like that. Please excuse me. I did not realize that you wanted to engage in sexual activities. Had you made it more obvious, I would have been more than willing to do so. There is nothing wrong with your sexual abilities at all. If you would like, we could be “together” now. Tae-san is out.” Was this right? Was this how to respond?  
“Wait, Clear, what… What do you mean?” Aoba-san responded. His eyes met Clear’s for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. Clear thought that he looked anxious. What was wrong?  
“I don’t understand. Do you want to be intimate?” Clear responded. This was hard. He didn’t know what to say anymore.  
“Do you?” Aoba-san said, staring into Clear’s eyes, the question clearly meaning a lot. Clear didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to say no and hurt Aoba-san’s feelings, but he was… uninterested in sex, really. He didn’t want to use the word. It was scary. It seemed too much like admitting he wasn’t human. (Although, he thought, humans were the ones who made the word in the first place.)  
“I… Well…”  
“Spit it out, Clear. What’s wrong? You’re acting scared.” Aoba-san looked tense.  
“Aoba-san… You know that I love you, of course.” Clear started, his heart racing.  
“Wha-?” Aoba-san’s nervous voice broke in, but Clear stopped him with a hand and kept talking.  
“I really do. And I want to make you happy. That’s all I want. But I… I think I might be… Asexual?”  
There was the word. The one that he was afraid to say. It was out in the open now, floating in the air like a dark cloud. Would Aoba-san break up with him? He didn’t know. He just knew that he had to say something else.  
“But of course I enjoyed having sex with you! And if you were so inclined we could have sex again! As many times as you wanted. Whenever. It’s all fine. I just… I don’t need to, you know? So I don’t know when… when you want to… or anything, so, I mean…”  
Now it was Clear’s turn to trail off into silence. He was rambling. He didn’t know what else to say but his mouth wanted to keep talking. Aoba-san was staring at him, mouth open, unblinking. He was scared now. This was scary. His heart wouldn’t slow down. He just stared into Aoba-san’s eyes, his beautiful eyes, and tried to communicate to him everything that was going through his head.  
After what was likely only a few seconds but felt like hours, Aoba-san closed his mouth and said softly, “Asexual?” like he was rolling it around his mouth. How did the word feel to him? Was it foreign? Would he have to explain?  
He was going to explain.  
“You see, it’s like… I can have sex. Obviously. You know. And it’s nice! You are very good! And warm, and strong. And it is nice to have sex with you. But I don’t… I don’t need to. It’s just that. I can, but I don’t need to. But I know you like it, so I can have sex with you! Of course! You just have to… tell me. Or… um.”  
His explanation didn’t make sense. That must be why Aoba-san was still staring.  
“I’m… I’m sorry. Please excuse me.”  
He bowed his head sadly. This must be it.  
“Why… didn’t you tell me before?”  
Aoba-san sounded hurt. Clear was afraid. That was why. He didn’t ever want to hurt Aoba-san.  
“I… I was afraid.” Clear admitted quietly. He had never admitted to fear before.  
“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”  
Aoba-san looked shocked. He blinked a few times, drawing back from Clear’s stare. He shook his head, as if to clear it.  
“Clear, I would never be disappointed! Noiz is ace too, you know. You’re in good company. I can’t believe you were scared to tell me that. I was so worried we were pulling apart for… other reasons… I never knew!” Aoba-san blushed a little but laughed too. The tension seemed to be leaving his body. He grabbed at Clear’s hand again and kissed his fingers. Clear was shocked. This was not how he expected this to go.  
“Wha- Wait, Noiz-san?” Clear felt like he was gaping.  
“Yeah!” Aoba-san laughed. “I know, he doesn’t seem it. But neither do you! You were so… insistent!” He blushed a little, still laughing.  
“Well, I… I wanted to know what it was like. The first time. So I could feel human. And then the second time… I guess I just wanted to make you feel good. Better. About me coming back.”  
Aoba-san was still laughing. “Clear, you didn’t have to do that.”  
“I understand! But I want to make you happy! It is not unenjoyable!”  
“I get that, Clear. But you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” Aoba-san’s face got serious. He seemed like he really meant it. “If I ever ask you and you don’t want to, all you have to say is no. I will understand. I would never be disappointed in you if you didn’t want to. Do you understand?”  
Clear felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. “Yes, I understand.” He sighed happily.  
Aoba-san leaned forward and put his arms around Clear’s neck, hugging him tightly. The two tumbled backwards, and Clear tightened his arms protectively around Aoba-san to keep him from rolling into the wall as they fell, sliding a hand up to the back of his head reflexively to protect his head. Aoba-san laughed as they bounced a little, and drew his head back a little to look down at Clear, kissing him lightly on the nose, still laughing. Then he pulled back again and asked, sounding a little worried, “Is this still okay?”  
Clear laughed this time, in response. He used the hand holding Aoba-san’s head to pull his face down to his lips so he could kiss him properly. “Of course it is, stupid Aoba-san.” He said, when he finally drew back. “I want nothing more than to kiss you, and hold your hand, and sit next to you, and cuddle with you, and-“  
“Okay, okay! I get it!” Aoba-san cut him off, laughing again. Clear couldn’t help but smile at the face Aoba-san made when he laughed. His eyes were almost all the way closed, his cheeks flushed gently and his face drawn into a smile. Clear loved that face. Clear really, really loved that face. Aoba-san looked down at him and asked, “What?” with laughter still in his voice.  
“I love you, Aoba-san.” Clear said, completely sincerely. He really did.  
“I love you too, Clear. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Local ace writes "Clear is ace and hERE'S WHY" fic  
> Leave comments and stuff, if you like!


End file.
